Been Awhile

It's like this.

If Nick didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't. 

I sit here, wasting my time. All the time. I waste my time on thinking. Thinking that this is not going to work out. That I will surely fuck this up. Just like everything else. 

It's okay when I don't have these thoughts. But only because he is there with me, and I'm not left alone, thinking thinking thinking. 

I think maybe he'll eventually want someone better, much better. And that selection is so much bigger than someone below me.

It's just a matter of time.

But I do this all the time.

When will my mind shut the fuck up and just let me be happy?

Yeah, I thought the answer might be never.

And only when I type or write this shit out that it makes me want to cry.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because I fear ending up like my mother. 

It is certainly possible, almost unavoidable.

I cannot escape my past.

It seems to haunt me always. 

I hate getting like this.

It's almost always only when he's not around. 

Pathetic? Perhaps. 

I need him. 

He is what is keeping me sane.

Dead End

I wish no one would have ever said anything.
I feel it opened up a part of my mind that never wants to shut the fuck up anymore.
On another note,
Blahblahblah was told that if only blahblahblah was 5 years older! In other words, hey i'd totally date you if you were only 5 years older! We're not talking about me here. On either ends.
So that's awesome. I'm not sure if I should be appreciative of what I've got, or be scared I'm going to lose what I do have. Not that I take this for granted, I most definitely do not. But one day, that day will come, you know, that part where they realize you're no good, and you're only sinking the ship you're both in. That day.
It's kind of inevitable...
And on another note,
I'm so glad it's the weekend. But I can't stop thinking, and sleeping is the only thing that keeps me from thinking. I really wish I could just cut some memory off. It's fucking driving me insane.
And I just lied. Sleeping isn't the only thing that keeps me from thinking. As long as I'm concentrating on something else, like poke e man or reading a book or something, I'm good. But as soon as I stop concentrating, fucking BAM!BAM!BAM! thoughts be shootin' up in my head.
Music is something I'm starting to not be able to listen to, fucking thoughts be going through so many bullets when I put music on.
Dead End.

Just Dance!

That last blog was actually typed on Wednesday...
But I didn't get around to publishing it until today.
So Today! Ha..
Life is going pretty good right now.
You know, something I really hate...
When I'm at work, or driving around in my car and I think of things I want to say on this thing, and then I get home and I forget because I couldn't write it down while I was thinking about it.
I wish I had a permanent chalkboard in my head... or maybe a flash drive I could pull out whenever I wanted, and every time I thought of something, it would put it in the flash drive, and then I could take the flash drive out and put it on my computer haha.
So when it comes time that I want to write in this, I never know what to put.

I have a weeks paid vacation from work that I have to use by early May. Nick and I are planning an amazing trip. I feel like I'm not as excited, but I think it's because I feel like it's not actually going to happen. Like, I don't think I'll be really excited until it actually does happen. Nick is really excited though :)
We started planning last night. Can't really get further into details until I go to work tomorrow and find out the dates I can take off. The 24th is easter, and the O.A.R. show is on the 29th... so I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to take off. It sucks. But hopefully I could at least get the friday off, if not the whole week.
Nick and I decided this could be his birthday trip :) And I really want him to be able to see O.A.R. I will feel sooooo bad if I can't even take the friday off :(

Last night, the Moon was so bright! Nick and I decided to take pictures of it. I'm so glad I have a tripod, the pictures came out great. Facebook-worthy definitely :)

Well, I should totally go do some laundry.... but that's gonna have to wait. Poke e man is callingggg my nameeee :)

side note: I took a pole-dancing class on Thursday, and I haven't been able to walk right since then! Definitely a good work! Too good, I think I may have pushed myself a little too hard... even though I didn't feel it while it was happening. So it's been pretty tough trying to get in and out of cars, walking up stairs, sitting down, pretty much anything haha... but I had soooo much fun.. Missy on the other hand didn't seem too into it, which kind of made it lame. She said she liked the floor/chair work-out better. Guess I'm more of a stripper, and not a lap-dance kinda gal hahahah
Annnneeeewaaaysss,
Pole e man... I mean Poke e mannn  time is calling haha

What Now.

I never know what to call these blogs.

I started a new blog. One that no one knows. 

So that I can discuss with myself more personal things. 

I'm not going to neglect this one though.

It's kind of funny.

I was thinking about something stupid earlier. Like how Joey and Mikey pretty much cut all ties from me because of Jake. I was thinking about how much of a fucking bitch that makes both of them. And that's extremely mean, I know. But seriously, they're just showing Jake that he has power of them. He has the power to make them do whatever the fuck he wants. It's not about their friendship with Jake, and upsetting him. FUCK.

See. This is what I hate. I hate it so much. Why do I even bother thinking about these things. They piss me off so much. Sometimes I feel like this all shouldn't be happening because of the people around us. But then I think and think and think, and it doesn't matter if the people around us don't approve or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I had a list of things to do today. Out of 7, I think I partially did 3. Pitiful. It's already 8:47. I haven't even playing Poke e man since lunch time :(

It seems I always have other things to do. 

At least my room is clean now

I'm Sober!

So last night.
TOTALLY SOBER! I just thought I'd entertain the fam ;)
Ok, so maybe I had a few drinks, and a few shots... and maybe I did a few handstands and a few dance moves(which were awesome, btw!!) and maybe I pretended the cat was simba....and maybe I was a giraffe! Ok, I wasn't a giraffe....
I was a little tipsy. And my whole body hurts today! Haha. I had such a good time. Drinking allows me to be crazy, obnoxious, loud and outgoing, you know, things that I'm not usually :D
It was suchhhh a fun night :)
Nick wouldn't let me drive to his house though  :(
Understandable... I mean, I saw the videos this morning, and I was definitely out there! Buttttttttt on the contrary, if I was driving, I would have been okay. I would have known that I had to drive carefully. I would have been okay!
So he didn't let me drive home, and we woke up early today so that he could take me home before he had work.

OH! side note, i bet if i got "tipsy" a lot more, i'd probably lose so much weight! I mean, I was really throwing out some dance moves hahahha.

I have so much shit to do today! UGH! I have to clean my room and hook up my printer that's been sitting on my desk for over a week now. But I have plenty of time to do all of this. Nick is working until 4ish(I think?) maybe 3. And then him and his brother are going to a Streetlight Manifesto show at the 930 club.
Nick asked me if I had wanted to go and I told I didn't want it to be awkward because of his brother and what not...
Long story short, Joey didn't mind me going as long as we didn't mention it to anyone. Like... WTF is that supposed to mean... except I know what that means. And it's kind of  a shitty thing to say. But I'm not surprised. I don't expect anyone to still be friends with me. I really don't. And I don't want to cause problems between Nick and Joe so I told Nick I didn't want to go. I mean, I really don't need to go. Nick was thinking about giving me Joe's ticket. I asked him to not do that. That would just be fucked up. And then Joe would hate me more. <- Another thing I really don't need. And anyways, the show is sold-out. That's why Nick was saying he might give me Joe's ticket.

But I really must go clean now. Then I can play poke-e-man all I want! :D

Word of the Day: FUCK

Today was all sorts of fun. NOT!
I was so irritated at work. I don't know if I had a bad mood from the beginning or just over time everything was going to shit. I kept banging my fingers in the fucking run doors and ALL of the dogs, when I was putting them out for socials and bringing them back in, they all acted like they didn't have a name. None of them listened. It's extremely fucking irritating when that happens. Then, I was doing the outside runs and the drains were overflowing! I was like fuck this! I only popped one of the drains and I really don't give a fuck if the weekend people complain. I could care fucking less. Fuck fridays. There were way too many dogs. Everything just sucked. Even Frances' dog wouldn't listen. UGH! Just a pain in the ass day.
Thankfully, it's the weekend. Thankfully, Nick is on his way over. I need a fucking hug.

Baha!

I just got done reading Jordan's post. She's a crazy lil thang, but I love her :)
Of course it gets me to thinking. You know, about everything she typed.
Like how she's tired of feeling like the only person who does wrong and I'm "perfect" and Jarrod does no wrong. Which let's face it, in my dad's eyes, Jarrod is his last hope. So of course he's going to let Jarrod get away with everything. Maybe Jarrod will turn out to be okay. He's not always the best little brother, but he's nice most of the time, and he doesn't mind sharing if you ask nicely too. Maybe he's just that way with me. I don't know.

Now on to me being "perfect". Well. Today, I was coughing around my dad, and I told him I had an on-going cold and that my nose was all bleh, and he replied with "quit smoking". I said "excuse me?" haha.. He was like 'You heard me. Quit smoking.". So there goes my perfection, if I ever had one. I mean, c'mon. All I did was graduate high school. I dropped out of college. They will always expect more from me. I do plan on going back to college at some point. Just no motivation right now. I really feel that if I got fired from my job, I would definitely get back on that college train. Ugh. But one can not seriously make it through life in this day and age without a college degree of some sort. It's just not enough for only a high school diploma.

Jordan talked about how my dad always tells her that she's "just like her mother". And he does. It's fucked up. My dad is completely sexist and unfair. He tells all of his children that "all women cheat". When you grow up with a father like that, how do you think the children will grow up? Do the girls grow up with self-esteem issues? Do they feel like they have to cheat just because, according to their dad, they're going to cheat anyways? Do they boys grow up thinking all the women they are with cheat on them? It's just all so fucked up. This whole family is so dysfunctional.

And don't even get me started on all the drama and hate in the family. Literally EVERYONE in the family talks shit about EVERYONE. That's what makes it even more fucked up. My dad will go behind everyone's back and talk shit and lie about things just to see people's reaction, to see if he can tell if they're lying or not. He literally starts feuds between family members due to this. Who does that? It's one of the most fucked up things.
It's kind of crazy though. You know, 'cause all of that drama.. I come from that kind of family and I try so fucking hard to stray away from it.
It's not always easy.

My mother is a-whole-nother story. I mean, she's not exactly like my dad. But she has so much drama in her life, it's not even funny. I won't get myself involved in it either. That's why I haven't talked to her recently. I'm not trying to meet all three of her new fucking boyfriends. It sickened me to read all her's and (1/3) boyfriends back and fourth conversations on FB. It just makes me sick that she is like this. I wish she'd learn. But she's always been this way, and she'll never change. Her children are not important to her. I'm pretty sure the last time she saw her youngest, Jarrod, was around Christmas time. I'm sure she doesn't even feel like a bad mom because of it either. Her children were never her priority. I mean, I was closer to my sister Jessie than I was with my mom. Back when I first got my monthly thing, who did I tell? Not my mother! Jessie was the one I told. My mom was either on her phone 24/7 or in her room reading a book. She was not a mother at all.

But enough about my family.
It rained today. My "snow" boots suck ass. My feet are almost always wet when I get home. This morning, though, Holly suggested putting a ziploc baggy over my socks and then put my shoes on. I took her advice. It was definitely a lot better than having wet feet. Nothing interesting at work happened. I had brought my DS in after my lunch break in hopes that I would get to play it. I didn't get to. Just because there wasn't any time. I mean, we finished early, but I was helping Frances with the water pump and then helped put a dog away and then it was 430. So I clocked out and we all smoked, like we always do and Alex asked me for a ride to her friends house. Her friend only lives like two or three minutes away from me so I always give her a ride when she asks for one. When I got home I asked Jordan if I could wear her Giraffe boots to work. Since they're actually rain boots. They're gonna look silly. But I'd rather look silly than have to wear ziploc baggies just so my feet don't get wet.

So now I'm home. I can't wait for dinner. I can't wait to smother Nick with kisses.
So I'm gonna go play some poke-e-man :P
ta-ta for now