Been Awhile

It's like this.

If Nick didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't. 

I sit here, wasting my time. All the time. I waste my time on thinking. Thinking that this is not going to work out. That I will surely fuck this up. Just like everything else. 

It's okay when I don't have these thoughts. But only because he is there with me, and I'm not left alone, thinking thinking thinking. 

I think maybe he'll eventually want someone better, much better. And that selection is so much bigger than someone below me.

It's just a matter of time.

But I do this all the time.

When will my mind shut the fuck up and just let me be happy?

Yeah, I thought the answer might be never.

And only when I type or write this shit out that it makes me want to cry.

Why? I don't know. Maybe because I fear ending up like my mother. 

It is certainly possible, almost unavoidable.

I cannot escape my past.

It seems to haunt me always. 

I hate getting like this.

It's almost always only when he's not around. 

Pathetic? Perhaps. 

I need him. 

He is what is keeping me sane.

Dead End

I wish no one would have ever said anything.
I feel it opened up a part of my mind that never wants to shut the fuck up anymore.
On another note,
Blahblahblah was told that if only blahblahblah was 5 years older! In other words, hey i'd totally date you if you were only 5 years older! We're not talking about me here. On either ends.
So that's awesome. I'm not sure if I should be appreciative of what I've got, or be scared I'm going to lose what I do have. Not that I take this for granted, I most definitely do not. But one day, that day will come, you know, that part where they realize you're no good, and you're only sinking the ship you're both in. That day.
It's kind of inevitable...
And on another note,
I'm so glad it's the weekend. But I can't stop thinking, and sleeping is the only thing that keeps me from thinking. I really wish I could just cut some memory off. It's fucking driving me insane.
And I just lied. Sleeping isn't the only thing that keeps me from thinking. As long as I'm concentrating on something else, like poke e man or reading a book or something, I'm good. But as soon as I stop concentrating, fucking BAM!BAM!BAM! thoughts be shootin' up in my head.
Music is something I'm starting to not be able to listen to, fucking thoughts be going through so many bullets when I put music on.
Dead End.

Just Dance!

That last blog was actually typed on Wednesday...
But I didn't get around to publishing it until today.
So Today! Ha..
Life is going pretty good right now.
You know, something I really hate...
When I'm at work, or driving around in my car and I think of things I want to say on this thing, and then I get home and I forget because I couldn't write it down while I was thinking about it.
I wish I had a permanent chalkboard in my head... or maybe a flash drive I could pull out whenever I wanted, and every time I thought of something, it would put it in the flash drive, and then I could take the flash drive out and put it on my computer haha.
So when it comes time that I want to write in this, I never know what to put.

I have a weeks paid vacation from work that I have to use by early May. Nick and I are planning an amazing trip. I feel like I'm not as excited, but I think it's because I feel like it's not actually going to happen. Like, I don't think I'll be really excited until it actually does happen. Nick is really excited though :)
We started planning last night. Can't really get further into details until I go to work tomorrow and find out the dates I can take off. The 24th is easter, and the O.A.R. show is on the 29th... so I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to take off. It sucks. But hopefully I could at least get the friday off, if not the whole week.
Nick and I decided this could be his birthday trip :) And I really want him to be able to see O.A.R. I will feel sooooo bad if I can't even take the friday off :(

Last night, the Moon was so bright! Nick and I decided to take pictures of it. I'm so glad I have a tripod, the pictures came out great. Facebook-worthy definitely :)

Well, I should totally go do some laundry.... but that's gonna have to wait. Poke e man is callingggg my nameeee :)

side note: I took a pole-dancing class on Thursday, and I haven't been able to walk right since then! Definitely a good work! Too good, I think I may have pushed myself a little too hard... even though I didn't feel it while it was happening. So it's been pretty tough trying to get in and out of cars, walking up stairs, sitting down, pretty much anything haha... but I had soooo much fun.. Missy on the other hand didn't seem too into it, which kind of made it lame. She said she liked the floor/chair work-out better. Guess I'm more of a stripper, and not a lap-dance kinda gal hahahah
Annnneeeewaaaysss,
Pole e man... I mean Poke e mannn  time is calling haha

What Now.

I never know what to call these blogs.

I started a new blog. One that no one knows. 

So that I can discuss with myself more personal things. 

I'm not going to neglect this one though.

It's kind of funny.

I was thinking about something stupid earlier. Like how Joey and Mikey pretty much cut all ties from me because of Jake. I was thinking about how much of a fucking bitch that makes both of them. And that's extremely mean, I know. But seriously, they're just showing Jake that he has power of them. He has the power to make them do whatever the fuck he wants. It's not about their friendship with Jake, and upsetting him. FUCK.

See. This is what I hate. I hate it so much. Why do I even bother thinking about these things. They piss me off so much. Sometimes I feel like this all shouldn't be happening because of the people around us. But then I think and think and think, and it doesn't matter if the people around us don't approve or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I had a list of things to do today. Out of 7, I think I partially did 3. Pitiful. It's already 8:47. I haven't even playing Poke e man since lunch time :(

It seems I always have other things to do. 

At least my room is clean now

I'm Sober!

So last night.
TOTALLY SOBER! I just thought I'd entertain the fam ;)
Ok, so maybe I had a few drinks, and a few shots... and maybe I did a few handstands and a few dance moves(which were awesome, btw!!) and maybe I pretended the cat was simba....and maybe I was a giraffe! Ok, I wasn't a giraffe....
I was a little tipsy. And my whole body hurts today! Haha. I had such a good time. Drinking allows me to be crazy, obnoxious, loud and outgoing, you know, things that I'm not usually :D
It was suchhhh a fun night :)
Nick wouldn't let me drive to his house though  :(
Understandable... I mean, I saw the videos this morning, and I was definitely out there! Buttttttttt on the contrary, if I was driving, I would have been okay. I would have known that I had to drive carefully. I would have been okay!
So he didn't let me drive home, and we woke up early today so that he could take me home before he had work.

OH! side note, i bet if i got "tipsy" a lot more, i'd probably lose so much weight! I mean, I was really throwing out some dance moves hahahha.

I have so much shit to do today! UGH! I have to clean my room and hook up my printer that's been sitting on my desk for over a week now. But I have plenty of time to do all of this. Nick is working until 4ish(I think?) maybe 3. And then him and his brother are going to a Streetlight Manifesto show at the 930 club.
Nick asked me if I had wanted to go and I told I didn't want it to be awkward because of his brother and what not...
Long story short, Joey didn't mind me going as long as we didn't mention it to anyone. Like... WTF is that supposed to mean... except I know what that means. And it's kind of  a shitty thing to say. But I'm not surprised. I don't expect anyone to still be friends with me. I really don't. And I don't want to cause problems between Nick and Joe so I told Nick I didn't want to go. I mean, I really don't need to go. Nick was thinking about giving me Joe's ticket. I asked him to not do that. That would just be fucked up. And then Joe would hate me more. <- Another thing I really don't need. And anyways, the show is sold-out. That's why Nick was saying he might give me Joe's ticket.

But I really must go clean now. Then I can play poke-e-man all I want! :D

Word of the Day: FUCK

Today was all sorts of fun. NOT!
I was so irritated at work. I don't know if I had a bad mood from the beginning or just over time everything was going to shit. I kept banging my fingers in the fucking run doors and ALL of the dogs, when I was putting them out for socials and bringing them back in, they all acted like they didn't have a name. None of them listened. It's extremely fucking irritating when that happens. Then, I was doing the outside runs and the drains were overflowing! I was like fuck this! I only popped one of the drains and I really don't give a fuck if the weekend people complain. I could care fucking less. Fuck fridays. There were way too many dogs. Everything just sucked. Even Frances' dog wouldn't listen. UGH! Just a pain in the ass day.
Thankfully, it's the weekend. Thankfully, Nick is on his way over. I need a fucking hug.

Baha!

I just got done reading Jordan's post. She's a crazy lil thang, but I love her :)
Of course it gets me to thinking. You know, about everything she typed.
Like how she's tired of feeling like the only person who does wrong and I'm "perfect" and Jarrod does no wrong. Which let's face it, in my dad's eyes, Jarrod is his last hope. So of course he's going to let Jarrod get away with everything. Maybe Jarrod will turn out to be okay. He's not always the best little brother, but he's nice most of the time, and he doesn't mind sharing if you ask nicely too. Maybe he's just that way with me. I don't know.

Now on to me being "perfect". Well. Today, I was coughing around my dad, and I told him I had an on-going cold and that my nose was all bleh, and he replied with "quit smoking". I said "excuse me?" haha.. He was like 'You heard me. Quit smoking.". So there goes my perfection, if I ever had one. I mean, c'mon. All I did was graduate high school. I dropped out of college. They will always expect more from me. I do plan on going back to college at some point. Just no motivation right now. I really feel that if I got fired from my job, I would definitely get back on that college train. Ugh. But one can not seriously make it through life in this day and age without a college degree of some sort. It's just not enough for only a high school diploma.

Jordan talked about how my dad always tells her that she's "just like her mother". And he does. It's fucked up. My dad is completely sexist and unfair. He tells all of his children that "all women cheat". When you grow up with a father like that, how do you think the children will grow up? Do the girls grow up with self-esteem issues? Do they feel like they have to cheat just because, according to their dad, they're going to cheat anyways? Do they boys grow up thinking all the women they are with cheat on them? It's just all so fucked up. This whole family is so dysfunctional.

And don't even get me started on all the drama and hate in the family. Literally EVERYONE in the family talks shit about EVERYONE. That's what makes it even more fucked up. My dad will go behind everyone's back and talk shit and lie about things just to see people's reaction, to see if he can tell if they're lying or not. He literally starts feuds between family members due to this. Who does that? It's one of the most fucked up things.
It's kind of crazy though. You know, 'cause all of that drama.. I come from that kind of family and I try so fucking hard to stray away from it.
It's not always easy.

My mother is a-whole-nother story. I mean, she's not exactly like my dad. But she has so much drama in her life, it's not even funny. I won't get myself involved in it either. That's why I haven't talked to her recently. I'm not trying to meet all three of her new fucking boyfriends. It sickened me to read all her's and (1/3) boyfriends back and fourth conversations on FB. It just makes me sick that she is like this. I wish she'd learn. But she's always been this way, and she'll never change. Her children are not important to her. I'm pretty sure the last time she saw her youngest, Jarrod, was around Christmas time. I'm sure she doesn't even feel like a bad mom because of it either. Her children were never her priority. I mean, I was closer to my sister Jessie than I was with my mom. Back when I first got my monthly thing, who did I tell? Not my mother! Jessie was the one I told. My mom was either on her phone 24/7 or in her room reading a book. She was not a mother at all.

But enough about my family.
It rained today. My "snow" boots suck ass. My feet are almost always wet when I get home. This morning, though, Holly suggested putting a ziploc baggy over my socks and then put my shoes on. I took her advice. It was definitely a lot better than having wet feet. Nothing interesting at work happened. I had brought my DS in after my lunch break in hopes that I would get to play it. I didn't get to. Just because there wasn't any time. I mean, we finished early, but I was helping Frances with the water pump and then helped put a dog away and then it was 430. So I clocked out and we all smoked, like we always do and Alex asked me for a ride to her friends house. Her friend only lives like two or three minutes away from me so I always give her a ride when she asks for one. When I got home I asked Jordan if I could wear her Giraffe boots to work. Since they're actually rain boots. They're gonna look silly. But I'd rather look silly than have to wear ziploc baggies just so my feet don't get wet.

So now I'm home. I can't wait for dinner. I can't wait to smother Nick with kisses.
So I'm gonna go play some poke-e-man :P
ta-ta for now

No Nothing.

Not too much going on today. I can't believe it's already 7.
I played Pokemon on my DS during my lunch break, and I didn't want to stop :(
And I had planned to play it when I got home, but instead I decided I should go to Auto Zone and pick up oil for my car because it was running low and I didn't want to have to do it in the rain. The news said it was supposed to rain pretty bad tonight. It hasn't started yet. At least, I don't think it has.
So, because it's supposed to rain, I also went to put gas in my car.  By the time I got home it was like 6. And then I wanted to take a shower, and now it's already 7. But that just means I'm closer to being with Nick :)
Yesterday, we had a planned lunch date at the mall and he brought me Panera Bread :)
It was the best surprise everrrrr.
I can't even describe how happy he makes me. He does all these little things that make me fall even more in love with him. And here I am, with nothing to offer, no sweetness, no romantic-ness, no nothing.
Nothing at all.

It's Monday!

So it's Monday.
Mondays always suck at work. But this morning, before work, I got a delightful surprise hehe ;)
So I was in a good mood, of course.
Work was work. Not much to say there. Found out Jamie D., one of the weekend crew, is pregnant. Alex was joking about how there must be something in the water at work and how she's not gonna drink any haha. I guess that wouldn't really make sense unless you knew that another employee got pregnant too. Except this one didn't keep it. So that was some of drama at work.
I got home. I had wanted to stop in SP to get oil for my car, but I forgot to get in the exit towards ritchie. Soo... I didn't go. I came home and cleaned my room, did my chore. Jordan was slackin'. But I still did mine. And after Jordan said she didn't feel like doing hers, I told my dad she was slackin'. We were all joking about how she was gonna throw the chore list away haha.
I think I'm gonna go work on the puzzle and then play Pokemon on my DSi XL. Nick got the Black and White versions. He's letting me play the Black one. It's pretty fun :)
I hope he gets off early tonight, so I have more time with him. He makes me soooooo happy. I am so glad that my life has let me experience something so wonderful :)

Better

Today is the first day in a long time that I know things are going to be okay. 

At least, I'm extremely hopeful. I guess you can never fully trust feelings. And that's where paranoia steps in. But it's okay. I'm still hopeful.

So friday night. Went to see GC with Nick. The night kept getting better and better. The first band, Runner Runner, was amazing. The second opening band was eh. And the third band was pretty awesome, they were Forever The Sickest Kids. Then GC! Which they put on an awesome show. I had a great time with Nick :)

We had to to take a shuttle bus to get back to my car, and we ended up getting off at the wrong stop. Luckily, there was a supervisor there and showed us which bus to get back on. That bus was a lot better than the first. We were all alone on this one, and the one before had some crazy weird crackhead(probability likely) person on it.

OH! How could I forget about Peter! haha.. so after the show, Nick and I were talking with Peter, a guy from the band Runner Runner. Nick got a picture with him and he signed our CDs. Then we went to get in line for the Live CD of GC(which was awesome! it was a surprise from nick :) i liked it!) so while we were in line, we were talking about the band members of Runner Runner and we got on the subject of me wanting to get my picture taken with Peter, because, as according to Nick, I "fancied" him ahaha. So we ask one of the band members if he knew were Peter was because I wanted my picture taken with him. He didn't know where he was but he texted him. After about 5 minutes, the guy said he might be outside. So we go outside and we see two more people from the band Runner Runner. Or at least, one of them. We asked them if they knew where Peter was, and they said he might be inside, and we told them he wasn't in there. So one guy went inside, and the other guy went the other way, all looking for Peter. The guy that went inside comes back out and tries calling Peter. Then goes back inside and comes back out and says that he's gonna look in the bus for him. He comes back... with Peter! haha, so I got to take a picture with him, and then another picture with nick and him :)

It was pretty awesome. Definitely was the cherry on top of all the awesomeness that already happened!

So that was my friday night. Saturday morning I was supposed to go to a pole dancing class with Missy. Nick and I didn't get home until 3 and I was recuperating from all that happened, so I really wasn't up for pole-dancing. Missy was upset. I knew she would be. But she ended up being okay, and we still had dinner and saw the movie. 

We met up with her and Ben at T.G.I.Fridays. Everyone seemed to get along. Afterward, we walked around since the movie didn't start for at least 45-50 minutes. We got to the movie theater and we were sitting there and Nick was going through his phone and ....

blahblahblah. i'm not in the mood for explaining the situation that happened with that....

Long story short, was not in the greatest mood.

So we watched Beastly, was a pretty good movie. We said bye to Missy and Ben. Then we drove home. Got home. Did some of the puzzle. Then watched True Blood. Which Nick passed out to. I went outside and smoked and talked  to Jordan about my dilemma. She gave me advice and then she told me all about her drama and stuffs. So I come back in the room. And I turn the light out and I get on facebook through my phone and then I get off. And I sit there, in blackness. Where the worst thing is the silence. Because then you have nothing to drown your thoughts out with. I was having the worst feeling in the world. I  couldn't take it anymore. I turned the light on and I woke Nick up. Which I felt bad doing, but I was not about to sit there all night, lying awake, thinking. I don't think I could have even if I tried. It really was the worst feeling in the world. I wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. So anyways, I woke him up. And I asked him why we didn't talk. ....

Long story short, he pinky promised me he was okay. And if one day I find out that those pinky promises don't mean anything, I think I may tear myself apart. So I'm really hoping I can be trusting with all of this. I hate my paranoia, and I hate myself for what I did. I know I put myself in this position, I did it because of who I am. But I can't help the way I feel. I would if I could....

So that's been my weekend. Nick had work this morning. I tried going back to sleep. I was really hoping I'd be able to, but I just couldn't. Hard time trying to go to sleep after already waking up. Maybe if I had my googlybear with me...

Damn.

I really hate when I get that way. That last post was just a stupid one.
I wish Nick was here. I miss him. It's lonely here without him.
There isn't anyone to talk to....

Ugh patheticcccccc
I feel like going for another drive. I can't believe how late it is already...

But instead I think I'll go lay down. I don't feel good. Time is dragging. I miss my googlybear :(

Out the Window

So... Nick has work until 3 in the morning. So much for sleeping! haha, not that I mean that in a bad way. I just know I'm not going to be able to sleep without him.

Jordan told me to pick up cat food on my way home from work. But I don't like going to the store alone. Or anywhere alone for that matter. I asked her to come with me, she wouldn't. She never does. So I offered buying her dinner. Brandon was in the room when I mentioned this, and of course he wanted some food too. I told him I'd pay for them both as long as they both went with me. Jordan of course had to ask where dinner was being bought and both her and Brandon wanted Chipotle. So then Jarrod comes in and..... long story short, I was taking them all out to Chipotle just because I didn't want to go to the grocery store alone. Pathetic? I think so. I seem to be getting more pathetic each day.

I was in a great mood. Up until Jordan was bitching about her sunglasses that were in my car. I guess I could have just asked her to let me keep them in the car, but I argued with her instead. So that put me in a bad mood, and I started putting depressing songs on my ipod. I just didn't want to do anything anymore.

I was in such a bad mood that when we got to the grocery store, I told them to just sit in the car. I expected they would, but they all surprised me and came in.

I still wasn't in a good mood by the time we left. More depressing songs. So I drove home. They all got out and I drove around to smoke. Since I couldn't while Jarrod was in the car. Not that I really give a shit if Jarrod knows. I really don't care who knows. It's just the matter of never hearing the end of it. That's the part that stops me from being out in the open about it.

So now I'm home. Semi-talking to Whitney on FB. I'm just torturing myself. I know what thoughts go into my head, and they don't leave. This stuff will always be there. I can't stand it. They make me feel like I'm having a panic attack. It hurts. It all hurts.

I hate thinking. I could type all the thoughts that go into my head and I could keep typing forever.
More pathetic-ness: I can't even cry. I get so upset that I can't even cry. Or maybe I'm not upset at all. It all fucks with my head.

I just can't stand it anymore. I want to stop thinking for a little while. Just stop breathing for a little while. Inhale for a little while. Scream for a little while. Everything for a little while.

I wish the thoughts would go away like the smoke from my cigarette. Out the window. But the smoke doesn't  go away. These thoughts are in my head, in my clothes, in my hair, in my mouth, they don't go away.

Where does the time go??

I feel like I just got home from work! And it's already 8. My love will be here soon :)

I was sick yesterday, and he stayed with me all day :)

And good news! Nick just got done work. so he'll be here even sooner! So happy :)

I can't wait to see him. And give him lots of kisses, he's so freakin' cute! :)

He really is the best boyfriend in the world, and I know he deserves better, but I'm just way too damn selfish to let someone else have him. He's all mine :)

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh this is like a full-blown Nick post.

He just makes me so happy. :)

Well I have to go do some stuffs, like clean my room before he gets here. So I shall be off...
tata for now!

Never Enough Time

It seems there are a lot of things I want to be doing. So I try to do those things, and somehow I'm always doing all these other things. I wouldn't call this complaining. I love how my life is going right now. Well, not all of it. But most of it. It just seems like I never get anything done, even though I am getting stuff done. Sometimes it seems like time is going by super fast, and other times it's like you're watching the clock and life is ticking away.
I wanted this to be a regular thing. This blog thing. But look, it's already been too long from my first post. I can only keep up so much.

During my lunch break today, my boyfriend and I decided to meet at the mall. It was a little lunch date :)
As we were walking in the food court, we passed a table with 3 or 4 girls sitting at it. One of the girls said "You two look really cute together". Or at least something along the lines of that. It made me happy. Being with Nick makes me happy. We got pizza, and then walked around for about 5 minutes. My lunch break is only an hour and it takes me about 15 minutes to get to the mall, so we didn't have very much time. Totally worth it though!

---------------------------------

I wrote this yesterday, but my boyfriend came over and I stopped. So that ^ was actually yesterday.

Today was a very good day. My boyfriend slept over and I got some tube steak in the morning! (haha, so inappropriate, but I thought I'd use a word that has recently been added to my vocabulary!) So that probably had something to do with the good mood I've been in all day.
Even the rain couldn't stop my good mood. I was just happy it wasn't snowing again! I am so sick of snow. I don't think I'd mind if I never saw snow again.
The pipes at my work broke! That was a lot of fun(not!). Yet, even though the pipe broke, and work was more difficult than before, I was still in a good mood. Lunch time came around and JR, my general manager, said he'd pay for lunch to make up for not coming to work for a week over the holiday(President's Day). See, work gets busier on the holidays because kids have off school and people want to go away on vacation. Then when they go on vacation they need a place to keep their dog. That's my work. I work at a dog kennel. In case I didn't already say that... which I don't think I did. So JR payed for lunch from Panera bread and I got a full sized grilled chicken caesar salad. It was amazing. I also got a mango smoothie, which wasn't too bad.
I think my stomach has gotten bigger. And by that I mean, I feel like I eat more each meal. This is something I've noticed lately. I'm not too sure I like it. I like eating small proportions of things. But anyways, I usually can't eat a whole salad and today I did. Ohwell. I've pretty much cut out soda from my diet. Which I hear is supposed to make you lose like 10 pounds just from that... Maybe what I hear is wrong. But I still would rather drink my V8 Splash, and water than drink Mountain Dew and other soda. I might have a coke here and there with dinner, but that doesn't happen often.

So I got home today and I decided I was going to take a nap because Nick and I have a long drive ahead of us. We're going to V.A. beach. Tonight. After he gets off work. So I want to be able to stay awake with him for the drive. I really didn't want to get up from my nap... but I did! I'm proud of myself haha.

I'd say today was a very good way to start my weekend. It's only going to get better. I get to see my sister Jessie and her two cutiepies tomorrow. This weekend is just going to be really good.

Alright well I think I've written enough for today.
I think I forgot to add that yesterday's lunch date with Nick was amazing, and it made me happy!
:)

The Beginning

Sunflowers are my favorite. I'm not sure why, I just think they're beautiful. Kisses are always nice. Okay, maybe not always, but if they're with someone you want to be kissing, then they're nice :) So that's my explanation for "Sunflower Kisses".
Being happy is one of the best things. There are a lot of people out there that achieve true happiness. I want to become one of them.
I've never really had a blog that I wanted to be public. Most of the time I write only private ones to solve the conflicts within myself. It is not always nice to go back and read them. But it helps me to see the person I've become, and how I've become this way.
I hate re-reading these things, I always think I sound random and put whatever comes to mind first. My thoughts are not organized. That's the best way I could put it.
My boyfriend will be here soon, so I'm going to go smoke and find something random to do.
<3